The Helpers Paradox

I was recently on a podcast called “Be the love” with Stacy Musial, Brenda Carey. They asked me some great questions and frankly, I wasn’t ready!

So I wanted to write this as a follow up, for their listeners and for my audience.

What is the Helpers Paradox?

The helpers paradox states that the need to help destroys our ability to help.

The Helpers Paradox is a way to help those that feel stuck in over giving, people pleasing, our having crappy personal and work boundaries, to naturally step into their own, to own their gifts, their work,

It’s about moving out of giving from any sense of obligation our duty, and moving into giving out of joy.

I have found that our culture celebrates the martyr. I know I did most of my life. I wanted to BE the martyr. I wanted to die for a worthy cause.

We do this with parents, especially mom’s. We praise those that give and give and give till they had nothing left; As a Canadian Terry fox comes to mind. Or globally we could think of Ghandi. From a religious perspective Jesus comes to mind easily.

Who does it affect?

It most affects Healers, Coaches, Therapists, some CEO’s and Executive coaches. It also can deeply affect the non-profit sector as well as some artists.

It affects those who have giving all wrapped up in being good and caring about others.

The Helpers Paradox is kind of the opposite of aggrandized western ego types. The Wolf of Wallsteet of example. Those stuck in the Helpers Paradox get there because they don’t want to be like those bad people.

There is a moral judgment about it.

That it is better to give than to receive. Sound familiar?

Which leads to the next question

Where does the Helpers Paradox come from?

I see that there are 4 major contributing factor. Each one deserves an article, or a book!, but for now here are the short overviews.

The First major contributing factor is Religion.

Specifically Christianity.

To be clear, I am not throwing Christianity or any organized religion under the buss. I read the Bible most days, pray every night, and enjoy going to church (Although I’m not Baptized and don’t accept Jesus as my lord and saviour. Ask me about it sometime!)

I have also seen much of this Paradox show up in Judaism, as well as in the Islamic faith. But most of my clients, and personal life, have been here in Canada as well as some travels in India, Nepal, Europe, Mexico and some parts of south America.

The Second contributing fact is Society.

This is actually about Society as informed by religious values.

In the west I believe the Puritan movement had a huge influence on the development of the Helpers Paradox. The Puritans helped to colonize the States and parts of Canada back in the day. They believed they were here to set up a "holy experiment, whose success would prove that God's plan could be successfully realized in the American wilderness.”

They even believed they would one day return to help “Purify” all of England.

Maybe they were the OG of the Helpers Paradox?

I have noticed that the Puritans, and other Christian groups, have had a huge influence on our society as well as shaping the values we portray in much of our Film and Television. Our popular culture, our value system as a society, can’t help but be influenced by these very hard line groups of the past.

Add to that the prevailing value in our society that one shouldn’t be “Selfish”, that it is better to “Give than to receive”, and you set the foundation for the perversion of altruism into … The Helpers Paradox.

True altruism is great. But I don’t see much of that in my work or in our society.

The Third is Family

I see this all the time as the father of a 5 year old. We try to teach our daughter “fairness” and “Treat others kindly” and “Please don’t yell so loud in the house” and “Go give this to Grandma, she will like it”.

Are any of these things bad? I don’t think so. I think they are good life lessons, good values to pass along.

Kindness, Fairness, Considering others needs. All healthy parts of being adults.

Unless the other adults you are interacting with are assholes. Or needy as all get-out. Or dealing with their own issues and stuff and will just keep taking and taking and taking.

Then these wonderful values like “Kindness” can easily become - “Doormat”

Or “Fairness” easily becomes “Make sure everyone else eats first and then … oh, there is no food left for me.”

Again, none of these are absolutes. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be kind. But when the Helpers Paradox is alive and well, our vision becomes distorted and these other unhealthy patterns can begin to take over.

Looking to the values our family tried to teach us, and how they may have been perverted or distorted by our family or just by life, is a good place to start to uproot the Helpers Paradox.

The Fourth is the “Other” category, or a person’s Specific history

I had a client once who did not appreciate it when I suggested, as I almost never do, that she take her challenge to God, the God of her understanding, and pray about it.

Turns out, it was something her Dad used to say to her constantly. Her Dad was also very religious, very strict, and sounded like a bit of a jerk.

So my suggestion, although wonderful and all, was very triggering.

As a result, she didn’t trust God, or anyone else, with much of anything. She had to do it all. But she also had a really big heart and wanted to help everyone. So now she had to help everyone, do everything, be everything and not let anyone down.

Does that sound exhausting? Yes it is.

Does that sound Familiar? It is familiar for far too many people i’m afraid.


Specific life circumstances and screw with our ability to trust; ourselves, others and especially God. (Spirit, Universe, I say God you say Tomato, cool?)

Another specific life history example is from past lives.

Specifically, women who were Witches in a past life.

This would require another entire article. But basically, I’ve worked with hundreds of women from all over the world and they carry with them either past life energies, or current life that is connected through their family. Wherever it comes from, its real and its there.

The fear of being seen because you might be burned at the stake, is real. The fear that if you say what you truly believe you might be tied to a rock and drown, is very very real.

So what does that have to do with the Helpers Paradox?

I find that these Women Healers, who can Identify with that fear I’ve just described, go under ground.

They become a “Best kept secret”. They do amazing work, with just a few people. They can’t seem to “Break out” or “Make it”. They hold themselves back so they can help those around them.

IF they got recognized, they might be hurt, or worse, and so they stay small.

How do they stay small? By helping! Helping friends, family, doing lot of pro-bono, etc etc.

So in this case, the Helpers Paradox is less the “Root” and more the scape goat. But it’s all connected.

Next Blog will be on “Ok, I see I’m stuck in the Helpers Paradox, Now what? What can I do about it?”